I have had a hard time understanding myself and then explaining things similar to this to other people.

At first, I thought I identified with asexuality, but then quickly realized that that didn't accurately depict me at all. I still experience sexual attraction and other things. It's just the thought of me actually being intimate is what bothers me. It almost disgusts me in a way. Or scares me? Idrk how to put it perfectly.

When I would explain this to several other people (while I was still identifying as asexual), they would be very confused, which I don't blame them for at all. Hell, I was confused myself. "So, are you asexual or not? If ur still sexually aroused, then I don't think you are."

But that's the even more confusing part. The only times I feel attraction like that or js feelings related to it is when it's from afar to someone who doesn't know I exist in a real life scenario, or in fictional settings, like when it's characters and not myself. I don't like my own being to be associated with it (it makes me deeply uncomfortable), but I still entertain the thought of it in my head when I can ignore that I exist in that instance, if that even makes any sense. I know, it's really weird.

I think maybe, after looking into it, this kind of response is due to trauma. Trauma made my sexuality very stupid.

When I really started to ponder it and gave up identifying with asexuality, I began researching sexualities underneath the umbrella of sexualities. That's when I found the term Aegosexuality, and then Hypersexual, and even further, Hyperace. I was very elated when I discovered those, because they describe me perfectly. Now I don't have to be confused or confuse other people anymore, lol.