I think I know why I don’t eat like I should. Ever since I was little I was told not to “pig out” or called a “glutton” for having one or two snacks. My parents would tell me things like, “all you ever do is eat,” “all you do is sit there and snack,” “you eat us out of house and home!” That type of stuff. When I started middle school (secondary school if you don’t live in the US, I’m pretty sure) I got very very self conscious. And when I was in my second and third year of middle school I started to stop eating. I stopped eating breakfast almost entirely. After days and days of eating very little I would eat as much as I could at lunch and then go home and eat seconds with dinner and a few snacks because of how awful I felt. When that happened I would feel so guilty- so much so I would try to make myself throw up. I never really did, but I would go to the bathroom late at night and try to get rid of all that food. When I was 9 I got my blood drawn and ultimately got diagnosed with high cholesterol (not my fault, heart conditions run in my family AND my mom uses butter and salt in literally everything. Plus I was NINE). My mom blames me for that. When my sister got diagnosed with the same thing she called the health system flawed, but when I pointed out that I had it as well, she looked at me and said, “well, you were on the chubbier side. All you did was snack. It’s a good thing you don’t do that anymore, or you would probably still have the same problem.” I. Was. NINE. (All bodies are beautiful btw, don’t let someone bring you down ^^). But about me “not eating” anymore? I almost got an ED because of it, got low blood sugar, and ruined my eating habits, and yet, she didn’t care- or even notice!! She complimented my body and says that I look better and swears up and down that I’m completely healthy. She insists that I’m fine and that I’m ok, but after her and I got into a fight about it she now insists that I eat more. “You need food,” “I’m fine, thank you,” “eat your damn food and you’re not leaving until you do.” And what’s funny about that sentence is that when I was little (8,9,10) I would sit at the table for HOURS because I couldn’t eat. It might seem like she’s trying to get me to eat but I feel like it’s because if I DO get diagnosed with an ED it could make her look like a bad mom. When I get in trouble or do something she doesn’t like or if I misplace something she only cares about how it makes her look. “When you only wear black with those damn headphones with that fu//ing haircut it makes me look like a bad mom.” “When you flinch or look like I beat you it makes me seem like I actually hurt you.” Another reason I probably can’t eat (I didn’t even think of this, my best friend and a senior who’s trying to get me out thought of this) is because I don’t feel super safe. I’m always on edge or walking on eggshells to avoid a fight. Not to mention, I have sensory issues (hence the headphones), and she eats LOUD. Like, so loud I can hear it from the bathroom (our dining table is by our front bathroom, but the back of the bathroom is a good 5ft from the door, which is another 5ft from the table) so that makes me not want to eat/hide in the bathroom until she’s done eating and my food gets cold. In all reality I’m trying to have the ability to eat again and my low blood sugar is starting to balance out again, I just wanted a place to write all this down.