I just want to disappear without disappearing.

I don't even know what I did. I just wanted to help. I wanted to be "useful" like they always tell me to be. But nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I do, in their eyes, I will always be a stupid, unrespectable, lazy, underserving parasite who only feeds my face and takes everything from them who shouldn't have any feelings or opinions about anything that arent their own.

I'm a mass of clay for them to mold into exactly what they want. Except the clay is hard and dryed out and will never achieve the perfect shape. I will never be what they ask of me. And that is drilled down into my very being. I don't know how else to soothe the mess I've become other than to punish myself. Because that at least feels like justice.

Even if I hurt and bleed and starve, they'll never see it for what it really is. They refused to when they did see. They just accused me of seeking attention; playing the victim for pity. A product of my woke generation.

I cried so hard today. They got angry about that. As soon as I had time to myself, I did it. Not because I wanted to feel something, but because I wanted to distract myself from feeling what I was already feeling. I haven't done it in a while. So much for that. It stings right now. I got put in a hard spot when my mom asked me where the bottle of rubbing alcohol went. It was still in my room from where I had cleaned it and applied a cotton pad and tape to it because I didn't have band-aids big enough.

I just told her that I accidentally got some traces of pen on my dresser's finish, and that I used the alcohol to strip it off. Luckily, that seemed believable to her.

Why do I have to lie? I wish I didn't have to. I wish they were fine so I would be fine. Then I wouldn't have to lie.

Sometimes I just want to be entirely somewhere else. In an alternative reality where no one knows me and I'm just an invisible spectator.

This sucks.

What am I to do?